Seattle Baby... the original!

Posted on Myspace in August of 2007...

Ok, so I just got back from a short trip to Seattle (for my little cousin's wedding) and in honor of one of my hero's -The Sports guy (Bill Simmons) - I decided to keep a running diary. Here's what transpired...

5:35pm - Done with work and ready to roll. Sally pulled up in the Minivan busting out a little Maroon 5.. why Maroon 5?? Cause that's how we roll beyotch.

5:45pm - Traffic.. wonderful.

6:15pm - After a crusade to find a short cut we're finally on the freeway.. this is going to be a long night.

6:20pm - Alrighty.. Vegas opened the over under on...
- How many times I will be asked "are we there yet" by my lovely daughter Haley. O/U 55.. take the over.
- How many times I will break wind. O/U 30... Insider info here.. I ate Chick-fil-A for dinner... take the over.
- How many rest stops we will make. O/U is 10... I'm feeling crazy tonight, take the under.
- How many Spanish radio stations we will encounter. O/U is 25.. take the under, were driving to Seattle not LA!

6:55pm - Ahh!! Just drank enough soda in the last hour to kill a small pony.

7:05pm - My goofball sons are laughing hysterically at Toy Story 2 right now... I have to say I really enjoy that movie.

7:30pm - Come on everybody sing with me.. "what you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk, inside that trunk..." It's stuck in my head.. now it's in yours.

8:00pm - Stopping at a gas station.. gotta pee!! Also, I have a question? Is it in the job description for gas station employees to look like either A) a rapist B) a greasy homeless person, or C) a dude from deliverance. Honestly, I have NEVER seen an attractive person behind the counter.

8:10pm - First diaper change... oh man, Joey's feeling it tonight... he's in the zone. We may be looking at a record breaking performance here.

8:17pm - Alright I'll ask... is there a hard rock or hip hop version for Spanish music. Everything I've heard so far has either been played at El Torito or Chevy's. Do they recycle the same beat?

8:28pm - Almost died laughing at the DJ on a certain religious station. To qoute him... "You're listening to "K-somthing" where we play quality music because Jesus approves it". Not even kidding.

8:40pm - Haley is busting out the new Ferggie song "Big girls don't cry". My little Diva!

9:00pm - Gotta love my wife.. Sally just informs me we are about to come up on a town called Hooker.. which lead to this exchange...

Sally: giggling like Butthead "we just entered Hooker".
Me: chuckling "there's actually a town with that name"
Sally: giggling and very proud of herself "yeah".

That's my wife.

9:25pm - Andy's pissed! Toy Story is over and mommy is not hurrying fast enough to start next movie. He's doing his cross between a cave man grunt, taking a dump face and angry eyes. I swear it's the same exact face I made when the Bears lost the Superbowl.

9:30pm - All is well! Andy has his movie and is back to normaol... although I'm not sure about mommy. The poor gal is working harder then a Tijuana hooker at this point. Between snacks, drinks, bottles and movie switchs... she looks really worn down. I think the kids are beating the will to live out of her.

9:55pm - Does anyone think of soda when they drive through of Mount Shasta? I need to know, am I the only one out there?

10:10pm - Stopping to make Andy a bottle.. Have to pee so bad I'm seeing yellow.

10:12pm - Once again Ferggie. Come on, sing with me... "It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightenin' out to do. And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket"... What!! Are these really the lyrics. That's just plain awful. Haley seems pretty upset that I said that... I'm sure she will file this away in her "I hate my dad diary" she will be writing in 5 years.

10:19pm - Joey is out.

10:28pm - Ok we just drove by another McDonald's.. that makes like 500 I've seen on this trip. Seriously, there hasn't been an exit without one. Incredible!

10:36pm - "Welcome to Oregon"... prepare for rain!!!

10:46pm - If I told you that the Wolf Creek Inn was not approved by the AAA handbook as a recommended place to stay... would that interest you at all?

10:51pm - Haley is out... just waiting on Andy.

11:15pm - "What would people do if they knew that I was a Jesus freak" is a line from the song playing on the most recent religious radio station. If you are wondering why I keep listening to this.. well, we keep hitting the seek button to find a station and it always pauses long enough to catch a portion of what's on. And, so far this station and been a comedy goldmine... and it's only getting stronger.

11:25pm - Sally has decided we are staying in Roseburg, OR.. which led to me doing about five reenactments of William Shattner's R-O-S-E-B-U-D scene from Over the Hedge. I know I suck.

11:48pm - Getting tired. We decided to pull over for gas and go pee. I forgot in Oregon you cant pump your own gas.. so some winner comes over and pumps it for you and then wants a tip. Are you kidding me.. F- Oregon man.

Ok, AL (yeah, that's the way it's spelled on his shirt) is pumping our gas so I race inside to go to the bathroom only to be seriously wigged out by the guy behind the counter (yet again). Let's just say he resembles someone from "The Hills Have Eyes" movies. After the throwing up in my mouth a little.. I find the bathroom and do my thing.

Ah, about twenty pounds lighter. Whew! Ok, I'm still tired. I need to get a drink. Does anyone sell Jolt soda anymore?? Does anyone remember Jolt soda?? **Funny side story. Back in 96' after I graduated high school, I went on a senior trip with a church group to Arizona. Yeah I know.. far from religious, but I wanted to go somewhere, and with my track record of getting in trouble, I knew Mexico was out. So, this seemed like the next best thing. Anyway, while on our way back I had been secretly making out with this chick in the back of the bus all night. It was morning now, my mouth was dry (yeah buddy) and I was really tired. Thankfully the trip leaders decided to stop at a AM/PM to stretch and grab some coffee. My buddies and I decided this was a perfect opportunity to get a drink and some snacks, so we hopped of the bus to join them. I knew I needed caffeine so I went straight to the soda isle for a Pepsi... "Yes, I'm saved!!!" As I was starting to head back down the isle I noticed something called "Jolt" soda. I had seen it before, but never really thought about having one. My buddy Andy casually strolls over and says "Um, that's like Pepsi, but on steroids... you may never sleep". Obviously that sounded awesome! I had to grab a bottle... or two. Big mistake! It didn't really taste that bad... or good. But wow, let's just say I was wound up tighter then Joan Rivers face. I was going nuts! I felt like Hammy after drinking that energy drink in "Over the Hedge". People were staring, the girl I was making out with (let's just call her Danielle) was concerned, then got really pissed off when I tried to jump over her, slammed my head on the ceiling of the bus and promptly fell on her lap. I was out for a couple of hours, finally waking up to Danielle giving me this "what a F-ing loser" stare... screw her! (Oh, and by the way, Danielle and I dated for like 2 months after this, so I guess she got over it). Anyway, that was the last time I had Jolt soda. So the moral of this story is... I'm an idiot! Oh well, can't find it... and to be honest, not sure I wanted it.

12:05am - Need something to keep me going, so we stop at a Jack in the Box. Let me tell you, the Hispanic lady in the drive thru had the most gold teeth I have ever seen. I couldn't tell if she was trying to be Little John or actually had some issues.

12:25am - Getting very sleepy... Roseburg is 45 miles away. Dear god!!!!

12:46am - Is it just me.. or does anyone else get pissed off when a semi-truck swings over into the fast lane to go around another semi? Totally throws off the grove I was in.

1:03am - We're in Roseburg... THANK GOD! Of course it's raining.. so taking the kids into the hotel is a treat.

1:20am - I'm out... see you in the morning.

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2:45am - Pee.

5:50am - Pee.

6:30am - Joey and Andy are awake.

Joey: "Daddy I wake up".. opening the blinds.. " look, it's stop waining (raining)".
Andy: "jsdvjoashganbao;eighpghpjebnpqeibh".

7:00am - Shit, shaved, and showered... we are on our way to Seattle!

7:30am - We stop at the Evil Empire (McDonalds). Haley, Joey and Andy inhale their pancakes in 45 seconds... eat you heart out Kobayashi.

8:15am - Ok, three obvious reasons Oregon sucks...

1) It's raining and it's F-ING JULY!!
2) The speed limit never goes higher the 65.. most times it 55. Retarded.
3) It's raining and it's F-ING JULY!!

8:37am - In the last 20min. I have seen about 10 pickup trucks with rifles hanging in the back windshield... followed by 1980-something Honda Accord with a rifle resting on the dash board. Gotta love Oregon.

9:02am - Ok, I'll give Oregon this... it's pretty.

9:28am - Stopped at AM/PM to warm Andy's bottle. So, while waiting outside I saw some old-timer with no teeth smoking a cigarette... quickly I look at Haley and say "See what happens when you smoke.. your teeth fall out". Haley freaks out and the old-timer flips me off. Fun times!

10:10am - I really hate Ferggie... really!

10:24am - We are now hitting Salem.. Do you think Stefano Dimera knows were here? Are we in danger? Maybe I should make my John Black "I'm taking a dump in my pants" face... which is almost as bad as the Horatio Caine face... "Where ever Stefano Dimera is... I will find him". YEAH!!!!! (the Who music blaring in the background)

10:41am - Busting out the Boss... "baby we were born to run"... Gotta love Springsteen.

10:48am - Portland is the poor man's LA. How can this place have a basketball team and Las Vegas or San Diego doesn't... blows me away.

10:55am - Welcome to Washington... Haley just about jumps out of her skin "We're almost there"!!

11:15am - Still F-ing raining!! Have I mentioned this trip was in JULY!!!!

11:45am - Does anyone else get the creeps when driving by Mount St. Helens... anyone?

12:06pm - That's enough... What is the deal with people driving slow in the fast lane and then not moving over when you are behind them. Listen if you're reading this blog and you're one of these punk asses that does this... kill yourself, please!!

12:16pm - Dear lord, if you make this numb feeling in my ass go away for the rest of the trip... I promise I will stop making fun of religious music.

12:17pm - Sorry lord, I can't lie... there's no why I could keep that bet. I'll stick with the numb ass.

12:56pm - Ok, I just surfed the radio stations... not one Spanish station... not one. Racists.

1:03pm - Hello Olympia... goodbye Olympia. I almost forgot you were the capital of Washington.

1:25pm - It's official... I HATE TACOMA!! HATE IT, HATE IT!! I firmly believe it's the armpit of Washington. I really do. The traffic is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

1:35pm - Does it ever not rain in Washington... I'd kill myself too if I lived here too. Jesus!!!

2:00pm - Seattle.. home of the disappointing sports franchises. Let's see.. Seahawks.. You look like the 2000 flushes football team. You're WAY OVERRATED and Shaun Alexander sucks. You hear me... he SUCKS!!! Mariners... 116 wins in 2001 and nothing to show for it... the most regular season wins in MLB history and you didn't win or even play in the World Series. Wow, that hurts! Oh, and you paid a slap-ass hitter like Ichiro 90 million to play the outfield and hit like a bitch... good call. And then we have the Supersonics.. what a poop stain of a franchise. They haven't been good since the Bulls took a dump on them in 96'.

Seattle sports.. feel the excitement!

2:10pm - The Seattle express way my be one of the greatest things ever made... I mean it had to be Japanese made right.. there is no way you could convince me it's American made.. nope, no way.

2:30pm - We're finally in Edmonds.. Thank GOD!!! Time to visit my crazy mother. I'm spent man.


Well, this looks to be the end. I hope you enjoyed my running diary... and in the words of one of my new hero's (Chef Gordon Ramsey of Hell's Kitchen)... "F-off"!