5:05pm – We’re coming to you live from the Kanik 5 pimp ride!! I’m joined by my wife Sally, my niece, some chex mix and a few bottles of Pepsi. Exciting, I know… just figured I would paint a picture for you.
5:17pm – My niece has just informed me she has downloaded the Mama Mia soundtrack to her ipod just for me. Great!!
5:33pm – Does anyone know how to use a blinker? Don’t they teach this in drivers training??
5:55pm – God bless my niece! She (unlike any other female I know) adores scary movies, shows, books and/or plays… you name it, she’s all about it. Anyway, I just gave her the 411 on the mini-series Harpers Island and she’s now hooked. The finale is in a week and she’ll be watching. If only she could rub off on Sally.
**Side note** Honestly, if you have not seen this show your missing out. Terrible acting, great story, tons of hot women (and men… if your into that) and “absurdly” awesome death scenes. Just a killer show! Sadly, America didn’t care enough to watch it. Shame on you all!
5:59pm – Ok, so in a desperate act to join in on the fun, Sally has decided she’s going to watch the finale with me. We’ll see… I bet she passes out in the first five minutes. But I digress.
6:30pm – Just left the cleanest Taco Bell I have ever been in. Oh, and everyone spoke English too! Wow! That’s gotta be a first, right?
6:48pm – Alright!!! We are now listening to the Mama Mia soundtrack!!! Does it get any better then this??? I think not!!!
6:48pm – My wife and niece are singing and dancing like fifteen year olds!! Sadly, one on them actually is fifteen... (So getting my ass kicked for that!)
6:53pm – Let me get this straight… She’s the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. She’s a dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine. (Oh, yeah!!) She can dance; She can jive, having the time of her life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen. *I want to die, I want to die! Kill me!!!*
7:06pm – Mamma mia, here I go again… My my, how can I resist you?
7:11pm – Do you think Buffalo Bill listened to ABBA while he tried on the woman’s skin on or when he tucked his junk? Just wondering? I’ve got nothing else to do. In case you didn’t catch the reference… it was from “Silence of the Lambs”.
7:34pm – Finally… it’s over! Thank God because I was starting to shake uncontrollably like Michael J. Fox… and I’m sure that wasn’t a good thing.
7:42pm – I just noticed the lack of intro’s/catch phrases from the religious stations so far... I’m thoroughly disappointed right now. It’s completely killing the drive for me...
7:53pm – You know, when I’m feeling down or overwhelmed all I need to do is listen to a sixteen year old tell me… There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an up-hill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb!!! Dammit!!! It is the climb…thanks Miley!
8:19pm – Entering Shasta… and all of a sudden I’m thirsty!
8:27pm – Seriously!! Seriously!!!! We’re listening to N*SYNC now?? Both of them are giggling like a couple of school girls and singing as loud as they can while my eyes are spewing blood everywhere. I firmly believe they’re trying to kill me… no other explanation.
8:42pm – Yes…YES!! I knew they (the religious stations) wouldn’t let me down! Just heard this doozey… “Feeling bored?? Turn to the Lord”!! I swear to GOD (no pun intended)… this really happened. Really, I can’t make this stuff up!
8:44pm – Still amused… I decided to leave the station on for a couple minutes, you know, just to see if anyone would notice. Anyway, this carries on for a few moments, prompting Sally to wake up from her nap, glance at the radio, slowly turn her head in one of those “Dear god the serial killer is right next me” moments of a horror flick and stare at me with such disbelief that she actually asks “Are you f-ing ill”??? Good times!!
9:01pm – Just drove through a rain storm so insane that I felt like we might actually be in trouble. My legs were numb and my hands were so saturated from sweating that I felt like I jerked of and elephant! Not good times!
9:11pm – Just got off the phone with my mother-in-law and the boys. Andy is playing with his toys and could careless we’re on the phone (honestly, the house could be on fire and if Andy had a toy… he’d sit right through it), but Joey is pissed he’s not with us… which lead to this exchange.
Joey: “Daddy, you cheated”
Me: surprised “How did I cheat buddy”… “We’re just going to Nana’s to pick up Haley”
Joey: Mad “I’m not happy with you!”
9:19pm – After dealing with the emotionally scared Joey, Sally reminds me of the last time we took this drive and the sensory overload she experienced, which we (the kids and I) had to deal with. It was like someone with PMS and hoped up on pain meds with a machete. No thanks! Sorry Joey.
9:43pm – There was talk about another airing of the Mama Mia soundtrack, but after I threatened to drive the car off the side of the road – killing us all – the girls sided against it. It was for the best.
10:16pm – I think the ladies are now giving me the silent treatment… just complete and utter silence. Between the both of them reading and the radio stations sucking, my mind is drifting…
10:18pm – Ever wonder if the people in those Mentos commercials were on something other then Mentos?
10:19pm – Was He-Man gay?
10:20pm – How the hell did Jerry Occonell marry Rebecca Romaijn??
10:21pm – Did Alf really like to eat cats??
10:22pm – Why hasn’t anyone figured out Bruce Wayne is Batman yet?? It can’t be the voice, right?
10:24pm – Is this how serial killers are born?
10:29pm – Welcome to Oregon, prepare for... wait a second! Where the hell is the rain? Seriously!! Hello!! It’s July! Where the hell is the dam rain? I’m shocked!
10:43pm – Finally a conversation. Unfortunately, it’s “Uncle Paul, can we stop for a bathroom break”.
10:57pm – Stopping for gas when Ron, our gas pump guy, tells me to “back it in and I’ll filler up” inadvertently quoting a line from Jenna Jameson’s autobiography. LOL!! That was fun!
10:58pm – Did anyone see those Scary Movie flicks the Wayne’s directed? You know the ones where they spoof all these horror flicks and pile it all in to one film. Well, I’m trying to remember, but didn’t the second one have Chris Elliot playing the butler of a haunted mansion with a freakishly small hand (like an infant hand??) that he always seemed to do something disturbing with it… like scratching himself, sticking the hand up the but of turkey at the dinner table or stirring the soup with and then licking his fingers afterwards? Anyway, Ron (the guy pumping our gas) has that hand too. What?? I’m tired man… I can’t think of anything funny to say.
11:13pm – I’ve said it before and I‘ll say it again… Oregon sucks!
11:22pm – Hey, it’s almost midnight and Michael Jackson is still dead. Just thought I’d remind you!
11:31pm – Just under an hour until we reach Sutherlin (where we’re staying tonight)… need to stay strong.
11:38pm – There’s comedy, high comedy and then there’s seeing a bunch of port-a-potties named “Honey Buckets”!
11:49pm – Almost there… please help me little baby Jesus. Thank you Rickey Bobby!
12:09am – We’re here… Finally! I hate this drive...
12:26am – Crashing… good night!
Next morning –
Nothing really memorable happened for this portion of the drive until we get to Seattle… where our diary resumes.
1:11pm – Things that have changed sense we last visited Seattle… The Sonics are gone! They were shanghaied by Oklahoma in a dirty deal between the new “owner” and Lord Vader (Commissioner David Stern), Shaun Alexander still sucks and was cut after the Seahawks finally came realize it and the Mariners have folded and joined the WNBA because Ichiro is still (and will always be) a bitch! Oh, wait… the Mariners are still playing baseball!! Really?? We’re sure about this?? Ok…
1:15pm – So, we just got done eating at this “dive” restaurant Guy Fieri recommended on his show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives… and well, I think he’s full of crap. The chili I had could kill a small Ethiopian village. It tasted like burnt rubber, wasn’t very “meaty” and I’m pretty sure if Doc Brown ever needs something with a little “plutonium” kick for the DeLorean… he need look no further then the Pig Iron Grill. Dear Jesus!
1:22pm – We’re 30 minutes away from my moms and I am dying…
1:26pm – I’m starting to sweat out of my ass from that chili… is this normal?
1:33pm – Fuck everyone right now… the pain is too unreal!
1:43pm – F-you Guy Fieri, I can’t see color; my stomach feels like liquid magma, my tongue has no feeling left and I just started burping fire. Awesome!
1:51pm – You think it will be wrong if I zip right past my mom and head for the “honey bucket”. I know that was awful!
1:55pm – We’re here, and not a moment too soon. Wow!!
Until next time (if ever again)
Peace out!
paul i cannot believe your language....funny stuff, but terrible language :)
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed that a guy I know is blogging! With such passionate profanity! LOL
ReplyDelete