Is Chuck E Cheese the Antichrist?

Alright, sing it with me “Chuck E Cheese is… where a kid can be a kid!!” Isn’t it crazy how a simple song like that can bring back so many fun memories? I used to love this place when I was younger… who didn’t, right? The place was/is a kid’s wonderland. Remember when you would tell your friends that you were having you b-day party there? You were a god! Then word would get out and kids you never met before all of a sudden wanted to be your friend. Don’t get me wrong… you would do the same thing. Hell, you’d even start being nice to the freak crew (you know… the kids that either smelled like poop or ate paste) hoping to be invited to their party. You couldn’t get enough! It was the greatest place on earth! I always thought when I became a parent I would love taking my kids there… sharing with them the same memories that made Chuck E Cheese so special for me. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case. I started realizing why my parents were so grouchy and exhausted afterwards. It's just painful. And after watching a friend of mine at a recent b-day party try to compose herself (in what can only be describe as an Olympian type effort) while her children slowly destroyed her will to live, I realized Chuck E Cheese reduces adults into what meth addicts commonly refer to as “Crank Whore Jamie” (Fried, foiled, distraught or just feelin shity). Yep, I found that doozy courtesy of the Methamphetamine Slang Names website. Oh, another winner was “Carpet Shark” (a tweeker desperate enough to comb the carpet for shards where someone may have spilled their baggie). Seriously, who knew this information was out there… anyone?? I implore you, if you have a free moment, look it up… its great fun for you and the family.

Anyway, remember in Shawshank when Warden Norton threatened Andy Dufresne that if he spilled the beans on his embezzling scams he would throw him down with the Sodomites… saying “You’ll think you’ve been fucked by a train”?? Well that’s what it feels like spending an hour at Chuck E Cheese with multiple children under the age of five. I’m not even kidding. It’s congested, loud as hell (It’s like hearing 500 snooze alarms going off at the same time – the kind of sound that would eventually cause an ex-con to snap, then spend the next six months driving one of those Buffalo Bill vans on an endless coast-to-coast killing spree), a 50% chance you’ll catch hepatitis in the restroom, the pizza could easily kill you (everyone has questioned God after eating Chuck E’s pizza… at times even huddling in the fetal position, channeling their inner Nancy Kerrigan and screaming “Why”??) and the employees are either circus freaks or pissed off teenaged girls with a whole lot of attitude. I actually asked the “overly friendly” girl behind the counter for a knife and few utensils the last time we were there and it led to this exchange...
.. ..
Me: I really appreciate your help getting me these utensils....
CC: yeah… sure.....
Me: Kind of crowded in here, huh?
CC: Yep!
Me: Sometimes I pick up prostitutes, bring them back to my home and strangle them to death. (Ok, I made that last part up, sorry about that... I couldn’t resist.)

So, the question is… why do we go? Why do we subject ourselves to this insanity? Because we love our children and we want them to be happy, that’s why! Isn’t that what being a parent is all about? It’s our job dammit! So we’ll continue go and try to enjoy it, but really… deep down inside we’re all praying for the death.

Now if you'll excuse me... we have another birthday party to attend.

Seattle Baby... the original!

Posted on Myspace in August of 2007...

Ok, so I just got back from a short trip to Seattle (for my little cousin's wedding) and in honor of one of my hero's -The Sports guy (Bill Simmons) - I decided to keep a running diary. Here's what transpired...

5:35pm - Done with work and ready to roll. Sally pulled up in the Minivan busting out a little Maroon 5.. why Maroon 5?? Cause that's how we roll beyotch.

5:45pm - Traffic.. wonderful.

6:15pm - After a crusade to find a short cut we're finally on the freeway.. this is going to be a long night.

6:20pm - Alrighty.. Vegas opened the over under on...
- How many times I will be asked "are we there yet" by my lovely daughter Haley. O/U 55.. take the over.
- How many times I will break wind. O/U 30... Insider info here.. I ate Chick-fil-A for dinner... take the over.
- How many rest stops we will make. O/U is 10... I'm feeling crazy tonight, take the under.
- How many Spanish radio stations we will encounter. O/U is 25.. take the under, were driving to Seattle not LA!

6:55pm - Ahh!! Just drank enough soda in the last hour to kill a small pony.

7:05pm - My goofball sons are laughing hysterically at Toy Story 2 right now... I have to say I really enjoy that movie.

7:30pm - Come on everybody sing with me.. "what you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk, inside that trunk..." It's stuck in my head.. now it's in yours.

8:00pm - Stopping at a gas station.. gotta pee!! Also, I have a question? Is it in the job description for gas station employees to look like either A) a rapist B) a greasy homeless person, or C) a dude from deliverance. Honestly, I have NEVER seen an attractive person behind the counter.

8:10pm - First diaper change... oh man, Joey's feeling it tonight... he's in the zone. We may be looking at a record breaking performance here.

8:17pm - Alright I'll ask... is there a hard rock or hip hop version for Spanish music. Everything I've heard so far has either been played at El Torito or Chevy's. Do they recycle the same beat?

8:28pm - Almost died laughing at the DJ on a certain religious station. To qoute him... "You're listening to "K-somthing" where we play quality music because Jesus approves it". Not even kidding.

8:40pm - Haley is busting out the new Ferggie song "Big girls don't cry". My little Diva!

9:00pm - Gotta love my wife.. Sally just informs me we are about to come up on a town called Hooker.. which lead to this exchange...

Sally: giggling like Butthead "we just entered Hooker".
Me: chuckling "there's actually a town with that name"
Sally: giggling and very proud of herself "yeah".

That's my wife.

9:25pm - Andy's pissed! Toy Story is over and mommy is not hurrying fast enough to start next movie. He's doing his cross between a cave man grunt, taking a dump face and angry eyes. I swear it's the same exact face I made when the Bears lost the Superbowl.

9:30pm - All is well! Andy has his movie and is back to normaol... although I'm not sure about mommy. The poor gal is working harder then a Tijuana hooker at this point. Between snacks, drinks, bottles and movie switchs... she looks really worn down. I think the kids are beating the will to live out of her.

9:55pm - Does anyone think of soda when they drive through of Mount Shasta? I need to know, am I the only one out there?

10:10pm - Stopping to make Andy a bottle.. Have to pee so bad I'm seeing yellow.

10:12pm - Once again Ferggie. Come on, sing with me... "It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightenin' out to do. And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket"... What!! Are these really the lyrics. That's just plain awful. Haley seems pretty upset that I said that... I'm sure she will file this away in her "I hate my dad diary" she will be writing in 5 years.

10:19pm - Joey is out.

10:28pm - Ok we just drove by another McDonald's.. that makes like 500 I've seen on this trip. Seriously, there hasn't been an exit without one. Incredible!

10:36pm - "Welcome to Oregon"... prepare for rain!!!

10:46pm - If I told you that the Wolf Creek Inn was not approved by the AAA handbook as a recommended place to stay... would that interest you at all?

10:51pm - Haley is out... just waiting on Andy.

11:15pm - "What would people do if they knew that I was a Jesus freak" is a line from the song playing on the most recent religious radio station. If you are wondering why I keep listening to this.. well, we keep hitting the seek button to find a station and it always pauses long enough to catch a portion of what's on. And, so far this station and been a comedy goldmine... and it's only getting stronger.

11:25pm - Sally has decided we are staying in Roseburg, OR.. which led to me doing about five reenactments of William Shattner's R-O-S-E-B-U-D scene from Over the Hedge. I know I suck.

11:48pm - Getting tired. We decided to pull over for gas and go pee. I forgot in Oregon you cant pump your own gas.. so some winner comes over and pumps it for you and then wants a tip. Are you kidding me.. F- Oregon man.

Ok, AL (yeah, that's the way it's spelled on his shirt) is pumping our gas so I race inside to go to the bathroom only to be seriously wigged out by the guy behind the counter (yet again). Let's just say he resembles someone from "The Hills Have Eyes" movies. After the throwing up in my mouth a little.. I find the bathroom and do my thing.

Ah, about twenty pounds lighter. Whew! Ok, I'm still tired. I need to get a drink. Does anyone sell Jolt soda anymore?? Does anyone remember Jolt soda?? **Funny side story. Back in 96' after I graduated high school, I went on a senior trip with a church group to Arizona. Yeah I know.. far from religious, but I wanted to go somewhere, and with my track record of getting in trouble, I knew Mexico was out. So, this seemed like the next best thing. Anyway, while on our way back I had been secretly making out with this chick in the back of the bus all night. It was morning now, my mouth was dry (yeah buddy) and I was really tired. Thankfully the trip leaders decided to stop at a AM/PM to stretch and grab some coffee. My buddies and I decided this was a perfect opportunity to get a drink and some snacks, so we hopped of the bus to join them. I knew I needed caffeine so I went straight to the soda isle for a Pepsi... "Yes, I'm saved!!!" As I was starting to head back down the isle I noticed something called "Jolt" soda. I had seen it before, but never really thought about having one. My buddy Andy casually strolls over and says "Um, that's like Pepsi, but on steroids... you may never sleep". Obviously that sounded awesome! I had to grab a bottle... or two. Big mistake! It didn't really taste that bad... or good. But wow, let's just say I was wound up tighter then Joan Rivers face. I was going nuts! I felt like Hammy after drinking that energy drink in "Over the Hedge". People were staring, the girl I was making out with (let's just call her Danielle) was concerned, then got really pissed off when I tried to jump over her, slammed my head on the ceiling of the bus and promptly fell on her lap. I was out for a couple of hours, finally waking up to Danielle giving me this "what a F-ing loser" stare... screw her! (Oh, and by the way, Danielle and I dated for like 2 months after this, so I guess she got over it). Anyway, that was the last time I had Jolt soda. So the moral of this story is... I'm an idiot! Oh well, can't find it... and to be honest, not sure I wanted it.

12:05am - Need something to keep me going, so we stop at a Jack in the Box. Let me tell you, the Hispanic lady in the drive thru had the most gold teeth I have ever seen. I couldn't tell if she was trying to be Little John or actually had some issues.

12:25am - Getting very sleepy... Roseburg is 45 miles away. Dear god!!!!

12:46am - Is it just me.. or does anyone else get pissed off when a semi-truck swings over into the fast lane to go around another semi? Totally throws off the grove I was in.

1:03am - We're in Roseburg... THANK GOD! Of course it's raining.. so taking the kids into the hotel is a treat.

1:20am - I'm out... see you in the morning.

-----------------------------------

2:45am - Pee.

5:50am - Pee.

6:30am - Joey and Andy are awake.

Joey: "Daddy I wake up".. opening the blinds.. " look, it's stop waining (raining)".
Andy: "jsdvjoashganbao;eighpghpjebnpqeibh".

7:00am - Shit, shaved, and showered... we are on our way to Seattle!

7:30am - We stop at the Evil Empire (McDonalds). Haley, Joey and Andy inhale their pancakes in 45 seconds... eat you heart out Kobayashi.

8:15am - Ok, three obvious reasons Oregon sucks...

1) It's raining and it's F-ING JULY!!
2) The speed limit never goes higher the 65.. most times it 55. Retarded.
3) It's raining and it's F-ING JULY!!

8:37am - In the last 20min. I have seen about 10 pickup trucks with rifles hanging in the back windshield... followed by 1980-something Honda Accord with a rifle resting on the dash board. Gotta love Oregon.

9:02am - Ok, I'll give Oregon this... it's pretty.

9:28am - Stopped at AM/PM to warm Andy's bottle. So, while waiting outside I saw some old-timer with no teeth smoking a cigarette... quickly I look at Haley and say "See what happens when you smoke.. your teeth fall out". Haley freaks out and the old-timer flips me off. Fun times!

10:10am - I really hate Ferggie... really!

10:24am - We are now hitting Salem.. Do you think Stefano Dimera knows were here? Are we in danger? Maybe I should make my John Black "I'm taking a dump in my pants" face... which is almost as bad as the Horatio Caine face... "Where ever Stefano Dimera is... I will find him". YEAH!!!!! (the Who music blaring in the background)

10:41am - Busting out the Boss... "baby we were born to run"... Gotta love Springsteen.

10:48am - Portland is the poor man's LA. How can this place have a basketball team and Las Vegas or San Diego doesn't... blows me away.

10:55am - Welcome to Washington... Haley just about jumps out of her skin "We're almost there"!!

11:15am - Still F-ing raining!! Have I mentioned this trip was in JULY!!!!

11:45am - Does anyone else get the creeps when driving by Mount St. Helens... anyone?

12:06pm - That's enough... What is the deal with people driving slow in the fast lane and then not moving over when you are behind them. Listen if you're reading this blog and you're one of these punk asses that does this... kill yourself, please!!

12:16pm - Dear lord, if you make this numb feeling in my ass go away for the rest of the trip... I promise I will stop making fun of religious music.

12:17pm - Sorry lord, I can't lie... there's no why I could keep that bet. I'll stick with the numb ass.

12:56pm - Ok, I just surfed the radio stations... not one Spanish station... not one. Racists.

1:03pm - Hello Olympia... goodbye Olympia. I almost forgot you were the capital of Washington.

1:25pm - It's official... I HATE TACOMA!! HATE IT, HATE IT!! I firmly believe it's the armpit of Washington. I really do. The traffic is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

1:35pm - Does it ever not rain in Washington... I'd kill myself too if I lived here too. Jesus!!!

2:00pm - Seattle.. home of the disappointing sports franchises. Let's see.. Seahawks.. You look like the 2000 flushes football team. You're WAY OVERRATED and Shaun Alexander sucks. You hear me... he SUCKS!!! Mariners... 116 wins in 2001 and nothing to show for it... the most regular season wins in MLB history and you didn't win or even play in the World Series. Wow, that hurts! Oh, and you paid a slap-ass hitter like Ichiro 90 million to play the outfield and hit like a bitch... good call. And then we have the Supersonics.. what a poop stain of a franchise. They haven't been good since the Bulls took a dump on them in 96'.

Seattle sports.. feel the excitement!

2:10pm - The Seattle express way my be one of the greatest things ever made... I mean it had to be Japanese made right.. there is no way you could convince me it's American made.. nope, no way.

2:30pm - We're finally in Edmonds.. Thank GOD!!! Time to visit my crazy mother. I'm spent man.


Well, this looks to be the end. I hope you enjoyed my running diary... and in the words of one of my new hero's (Chef Gordon Ramsey of Hell's Kitchen)... "F-off"!

Seattle Baby......Part Deux

Well, we’re off to Seattle again! This time not for a wedding (If you remember correctly, we caravanned up for my little cousin Rob’s wedding this time three years ago)… we’re actually driving up to swap my two niece’s and pick up Haley from a mini-vacation with my crazy mother (love you mom!). So, naturally I had to keep another running diary… here’s what transpired.

5:05pm – We’re coming to you live from the Kanik 5 pimp ride!! I’m joined by my wife Sally, my niece, some chex mix and a few bottles of Pepsi. Exciting, I know… just figured I would paint a picture for you.

5:17pm – My niece has just informed me she has downloaded the Mama Mia soundtrack to her ipod just for me. Great!!

5:33pm – Does anyone know how to use a blinker? Don’t they teach this in drivers training??

5:55pm – God bless my niece! She (unlike any other female I know) adores scary movies, shows, books and/or plays… you name it, she’s all about it. Anyway, I just gave her the 411 on the mini-series Harpers Island and she’s now hooked. The finale is in a week and she’ll be watching. If only she could rub off on Sally.

**Side note** Honestly, if you have not seen this show your missing out. Terrible acting, great story, tons of hot women (and men… if your into that) and “absurdly” awesome death scenes. Just a killer show! Sadly, America didn’t care enough to watch it. Shame on you all!

5:59pm – Ok, so in a desperate act to join in on the fun, Sally has decided she’s going to watch the finale with me. We’ll see… I bet she passes out in the first five minutes. But I digress.

6:30pm – Just left the cleanest Taco Bell I have ever been in. Oh, and everyone spoke English too! Wow! That’s gotta be a first, right?

6:48pm – Alright!!! We are now listening to the Mama Mia soundtrack!!! Does it get any better then this??? I think not!!!

6:48pm – My wife and niece are singing and dancing like fifteen year olds!! Sadly, one on them actually is fifteen... (So getting my ass kicked for that!)

6:53pm – Let me get this straight… She’s the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. She’s a dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine. (Oh, yeah!!) She can dance; She can jive, having the time of her life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen. *I want to die, I want to die! Kill me!!!*

7:06pm – Mamma mia, here I go again… My my, how can I resist you?

7:11pm – Do you think Buffalo Bill listened to ABBA while he tried on the woman’s skin on or when he tucked his junk? Just wondering? I’ve got nothing else to do. In case you didn’t catch the reference… it was from “Silence of the Lambs”.

7:34pm – Finally… it’s over! Thank God because I was starting to shake uncontrollably like Michael J. Fox… and I’m sure that wasn’t a good thing.

7:42pm – I just noticed the lack of intro’s/catch phrases from the religious stations so far... I’m thoroughly disappointed right now. It’s completely killing the drive for me...

7:53pm – You know, when I’m feeling down or overwhelmed all I need to do is listen to a sixteen year old tell me… There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an up-hill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb!!! Dammit!!! It is the climb…thanks Miley!

8:19pm – Entering Shasta… and all of a sudden I’m thirsty!

8:27pm – Seriously!! Seriously!!!! We’re listening to N*SYNC now?? Both of them are giggling like a couple of school girls and singing as loud as they can while my eyes are spewing blood everywhere. I firmly believe they’re trying to kill me… no other explanation.

8:42pm – Yes…YES!! I knew they (the religious stations) wouldn’t let me down! Just heard this doozey… “Feeling bored?? Turn to the Lord”!! I swear to GOD (no pun intended)… this really happened. Really, I can’t make this stuff up!

8:44pm – Still amused… I decided to leave the station on for a couple minutes, you know, just to see if anyone would notice. Anyway, this carries on for a few moments, prompting Sally to wake up from her nap, glance at the radio, slowly turn her head in one of those “Dear god the serial killer is right next me” moments of a horror flick and stare at me with such disbelief that she actually asks “Are you f-ing ill”??? Good times!!

9:01pm – Just drove through a rain storm so insane that I felt like we might actually be in trouble. My legs were numb and my hands were so saturated from sweating that I felt like I jerked of and elephant! Not good times!

9:11pm – Just got off the phone with my mother-in-law and the boys. Andy is playing with his toys and could careless we’re on the phone (honestly, the house could be on fire and if Andy had a toy… he’d sit right through it), but Joey is pissed he’s not with us… which lead to this exchange.

Joey: “Daddy, you cheated”

Me: surprised “How did I cheat buddy”… “We’re just going to Nana’s to pick up Haley”

Joey: Mad “I’m not happy with you!”

9:19pm – After dealing with the emotionally scared Joey, Sally reminds me of the last time we took this drive and the sensory overload she experienced, which we (the kids and I) had to deal with. It was like someone with PMS and hoped up on pain meds with a machete. No thanks! Sorry Joey.

9:43pm – There was talk about another airing of the Mama Mia soundtrack, but after I threatened to drive the car off the side of the road – killing us all – the girls sided against it. It was for the best.

10:16pm – I think the ladies are now giving me the silent treatment… just complete and utter silence. Between the both of them reading and the radio stations sucking, my mind is drifting…

10:18pm – Ever wonder if the people in those Mentos commercials were on something other then Mentos?

10:19pm – Was He-Man gay?

10:20pm – How the hell did Jerry Occonell marry Rebecca Romaijn??

10:21pm – Did Alf really like to eat cats??

10:22pm – Why hasn’t anyone figured out Bruce Wayne is Batman yet?? It can’t be the voice, right?

10:24pm – Is this how serial killers are born?

10:29pm – Welcome to Oregon, prepare for... wait a second! Where the hell is the rain? Seriously!! Hello!! It’s July! Where the hell is the dam rain? I’m shocked!

10:43pm – Finally a conversation. Unfortunately, it’s “Uncle Paul, can we stop for a bathroom break”.

10:57pm – Stopping for gas when Ron, our gas pump guy, tells me to “back it in and I’ll filler up” inadvertently quoting a line from Jenna Jameson’s autobiography. LOL!! That was fun!

10:58pm – Did anyone see those Scary Movie flicks the Wayne’s directed? You know the ones where they spoof all these horror flicks and pile it all in to one film. Well, I’m trying to remember, but didn’t the second one have Chris Elliot playing the butler of a haunted mansion with a freakishly small hand (like an infant hand??) that he always seemed to do something disturbing with it… like scratching himself, sticking the hand up the but of turkey at the dinner table or stirring the soup with and then licking his fingers afterwards? Anyway, Ron (the guy pumping our gas) has that hand too. What?? I’m tired man… I can’t think of anything funny to say.

11:13pm – I’ve said it before and I‘ll say it again… Oregon sucks!

11:22pm – Hey, it’s almost midnight and Michael Jackson is still dead. Just thought I’d remind you!

11:31pm – Just under an hour until we reach Sutherlin (where we’re staying tonight)… need to stay strong.

11:38pm – There’s comedy, high comedy and then there’s seeing a bunch of port-a-potties named “Honey Buckets”!

11:49pm – Almost there… please help me little baby Jesus. Thank you Rickey Bobby!

12:09am – We’re here… Finally! I hate this drive...

12:26am – Crashing… good night!

Next morning –

Nothing really memorable happened for this portion of the drive until we get to Seattle… where our diary resumes.

1:11pm – Things that have changed sense we last visited Seattle… The Sonics are gone! They were shanghaied by Oklahoma in a dirty deal between the new “owner” and Lord Vader (Commissioner David Stern), Shaun Alexander still sucks and was cut after the Seahawks finally came realize it and the Mariners have folded and joined the WNBA because Ichiro is still (and will always be) a bitch! Oh, wait… the Mariners are still playing baseball!! Really?? We’re sure about this?? Ok…

1:15pm – So, we just got done eating at this “dive” restaurant Guy Fieri recommended on his show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives… and well, I think he’s full of crap. The chili I had could kill a small Ethiopian village. It tasted like burnt rubber, wasn’t very “meaty” and I’m pretty sure if Doc Brown ever needs something with a little “plutonium” kick for the DeLorean… he need look no further then the Pig Iron Grill. Dear Jesus!

1:22pm – We’re 30 minutes away from my moms and I am dying…

1:26pm – I’m starting to sweat out of my ass from that chili… is this normal?

1:33pm – Fuck everyone right now… the pain is too unreal!

1:43pm – F-you Guy Fieri, I can’t see color; my stomach feels like liquid magma, my tongue has no feeling left and I just started burping fire. Awesome!

1:51pm – You think it will be wrong if I zip right past my mom and head for the “honey bucket”. I know that was awful!

1:55pm – We’re here, and not a moment too soon. Wow!!

Until next time (if ever again)

Peace out!